Adaabul Muasharat - Etiquettes of Social Life

by: Maulana Ashraf Ali Thanvi Saheb
Source: http://www.islaam.org/Etiquettes/Etiqu-1.htm

Five Branches of Sharee'ah

The Sharee'ah consists of following five branches or parts:

1. Aqaa'id (Beliefs): e.g. beliefs in the Oneness of Allah Ta'aala and the Risaalat (Prophethood) of Rasoolullaah sallallahu alayhi wasallam


2. A'maal (Righteous deeds): e.g. Salaat, Sawm.


3. Mu'aamalaat (Transactions, Contracts): e.g. trade and commerce.


4. Akhlaaq (Moral character): e.g. humility, generosity, etc.


5. Husn-e-Mu'aasharat (Beautified social conduct): i.e. good relationship with people, e.g. abstention from acts which cause others inconvenience, such as disturbing a person in his sleep.

Of the above five constitutional branches of Islaam, Muslims in general nowadays regard only two branches as being integral parts of the Deen. These are Aqaa’id (beliefs) and Ibaadaat (worship).

The Ulama-e-Zaahir (those Ulama concerned only with the external dimension of Islaam - with only the letter of the law) consider the third branch, viz. Mu’amalaat (mutual dealings and transactions) also an integral part of Deen.

The Mashaa’ikh (of Tasawwuf) consider the fourth branch, viz. Akhlaaq (moral character) also as part of Deen.

However, the fifth branch, viz. Aadaab-e-Mu,aasharat (Social Etiquette) has been excluded by all three groups, excepting a few among them. In fact, it is believed that this branch is totally unrelated to Deen.

The other branches of the Deen are more or less all dealt with and discussed in lectures and discourses. On the contrary, no mention whatever is made of this fifth branch (Mu'aasharat). Hence, this branch has been assigned to the limbo of oblivion both theoretically and practically.

Importance Of Husn-e-Mu'aasharat

The above mentioned five departments are collectively known as the Sharee'ah. It is essential for the Muslims to adopt all five departments of the Sharee'ah. But, in the present age people have abbreviated the Sharee'ah. Some have taken only Aqaa’id , believing that only the proclamation of Laa ilaaha illallaahu suffices for immediate entry to Jannah. Such persons, while they believe Salaat, sawm, etc., are fardh, they do not obtain the good fortune of practically executing these acts of worship. Others again, along with Aqaa’id observe Salaat, Sawm, etc, as well. However, they have discarded Mu'aamalaat . In their transactional dealings they are not concerned with the Deen, whether their acts are lawful or not. They are indifferent to the question of Halaal and haraam regarding their earnings and dealings.

Then there are those who maintain their Mu'aamalaat on a healthy footing, but are unconcerned with the reformation of their moral character.

Those who are concerned about Akhlaaq are exceptionally few. In fact there are even such persons who spend considerable time to reform others while others are inconvenienced and annoyed by their behaviour and attitude. They remain unaware of the difficulty they are causing others by their actions and behaviour. They are completely uncaring about their own detestable condition. There are numerous such persons who will not venture to offer salaam to a poor Muslim along the road. On the contrary they wait in expectation of the salaam to be initiated by the poor.

Some people, along with Aqaa’id , A'maal and Mu'aamalaat are concerned about the reformation of Akhlaaq , hence they adopt ways and measures for the treatment of their morals. But, they have discarded Husn-e-Mu'aasharat . In fact, they have excised it from the Deen. They assert that there is no relationship between the Sharee'ah and social conduct with people. They therefore behave as they please, thinking that the Sharee'ah has no say in such matters. Many people are pious with good qualities such as humility, but in Mu'aasharat they are lacking. They are not concerned whether they annoy and inconvenience others by their behaviour. In most insignificant things they bring about difficulty and inconvenience to others. Their attention is totally diverted from little things which cause difficulty to others while in the Hadeeth there are numerous incidents narrated which show that Rasoolullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam cared for the little things just as much as he cared for important matters.

Mu'aasharat -- An Integral Part of the Deen

It should now be realised that Mu'aasharat is an inseparable part of the Deen. A perfect Muslim will, therefore, be one who adopts all the branches of the Deen. In all aspects he has to behave like a Muslim. There has to be no resemblance with the Kuffaar.

People have generally understood Mu'aamalaat and Mu'aasharat to be beyond the scope of the Deen. It is indeed surprising that a person regards his dealings and his social conduct beyond the confines of Divine Law, but at the same time he acknowledges that his dealings and social conduct are governed by the laws of worldly governments. No one ever ventured to tell the state authorities that the government has no right in our private business enterprises, etc. People readily submit to governmental laws and restrictions applicable to their trade and commerce, etc.

Beautiful Social Conduct is More Important than Beautiful Dealings of Commerce

The need for proper observance of Mu'aasharat is of greater importance than Mu'aamalaat. Rectitude in Mu'aamalaat largely ensures the protection of material wealth while Husn-e-Mu'aasharat (Beautiful conduct with others) ensures the protection of the hearts of the Muslims. It is quite obvious that the rank of the heart is greater than that of material wealth. In the rectification of Mu'aasharat is also the protection of the honour and reputation of others. After the protection of Imaan, safeguarding honour and reputation is of the greatest importance. Man is prepared to sacrifice everything in the endeavour to safeguard his honour. On the occasion of Hajja-tul-Widaa, Rasoolullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam declared the sanctity of the blood, honour and wealth of the Muslimeen. Until the Day of Qiyaamah the honour and reputation of the Believers have been declared sacred. This sanctity cannot, therefore, be violated.

The Mu’aasharat of Islaam is Unique

Islaamic Mu'aasharat has no parallel. There is absolutely no need for Muslims to emulate the conduct of others. Mu'aasharat should not be confused with pompous styles and the possession of material goods of pride and show. Takabbur (pride) and pomp destroy the roots of Mu’aasharat. The proud man desires to be the superior of others. He will, therefore, not deal with others sympathetically and justly. The Islaamic teaching of Mu’aasharat, in contrast, inculcates humility in man. Without humility, sympathy and unity are not possible. These are, in actual fact, the foundations of Mu’aasharat. True Mu’aasharat is in fact only Islaam.

Consider for example, the Islaamic conduct pertaining to eating and drinking. Rasoolullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam demonstrated this conduct both verbally and practically. Thus, he said: "I eat as a slave eats."

It was the noble character of Rasoolullah Sallallahu alayhi wasallam to eat sitting in a humble position with his body bent. He would eat quickly with relish. In contrast, we eat in great pomp and style. There is not a sign of humility on us when we eat. This type of proud conduct is the consequence of the reality (of life) being hidden from us. When the reality becomes revealed to a person and he realises that whatever we are eating is from the Court of the King of kings (Ah'kamnul Haakimeen) and He is observing our every act, then automatically the humble manner of Rasoolullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam will be adopted.

When the greatness of a being is rooted in the heart, then all stages will be traversed with ease. The fact is that we lack the ability to realise that Allah Ta'aala is watching us. He observes our every act. Now when Islaam possesses its code of Mu'aasharat in a state of perfection, then what freed is there for Muslims to look askance (suspiciously) to aliens? Honour, self-respect and our claim of the superiority of our Deen demand that even if our Mu'aasharat was imperfect (on assumption), then too, we should not direct our gaze at alien cultures. Our old and tattered blanket is better than a died borrowed shawl of another.

Islaamic and Non-Islaamic Social Conduct: A Comparison

Even in dressing, our brethren have adopted the conduct and styles of aliens whereas there is no culture which can compare with Islaam in matters of dress. Many rules and restrictions govern the dressing styles and garments of non-Muslims. They are supposed to be liberal and they always proclaim the slogan of freedom. But, in actual fact, they are fettered to numerous restrictions in both dress and eating habits and styles. While the Islaamic style of dressing and eating is one of simplicity, the methods and styles of the non-Muslims have many restrictive etiquettes. Indeed their styles are veritable prisons for those imprisoned in elaborate customary rules pertaining to dressing and eating styles.

There are wonderful Barakaat (blessings) in simplicity. A simple person is saved from many difficulties and hardships. Pomp and pretence bring in their wake numerous difficulties. In contrast, there is sweetness and comfort in simplicity. While everyone desires simplicity and a simple life-style, pride and the thought of disgrace prevent them from adopting a simple conduct of life.

Reformation of Mu'aasharat is imperative since it is an essential branch of the Deen. Just as Salaat and Sawm are compulsory, so too is Mu'aasharat incumbent. Now a days Mu'aasharat is not even considered to be a part of the Deen whereas in the Hadeeth many chapters have been compiled in this sphere of life. But, no one was prepared to pay any heed to this vital department of the Sharee'ah. After ages has Allah Ta'aala now opened the avenue of reformation.

The Aadaab (etiquettes) of Mu'aasharat are continuously disappearing by the day although these are natural things. But, rectitude has in fact vanished from the hearts of people. A greater evil is the laxity (carelessness) of attitude. The capacity to ponder and reflect is absent. If Muslims contemplate, their gaze will reach all sides.

The Remedy for Frustration

The Sharee'ah aims to eliminate frustration. In every condition the Sharee'ah endeavours that man is at peace. Whether it be in sorrow or in happiness, it is the Sharee'ah's aim that man is at peace, not of frustration. The Sharee'ah teaches the way of lightening grief and sorrow. Its teaching regarding peace augment the factors of peace so that these are not destroyed. If the correct principles are adopted, no one will become frustrated. There is no frustration in the Deen whether it be in the realm of Ahkaam-e-Zaahirah (the external laws) or Ahkaam-e-Baatinah (the internal laws, pertaining to the soul).

The Aadaab of Salaam (Greetings)

1. In a gathering where a talk or discussion is taking place, the person entering should not draw attention to himself by making salaam. He should not become an interference in the talk. He should lower his gaze and silently sit down. When later the opportunity arises, he may make salaam.



2. Adopt the practice of mutual salaam. Whenever meeting a Muslim, say: Assalaamu Alaykum . In reply say Wa Alaykumus salaam.



3. All other ways are baseless.



4. When a person conveys the salaam of another to you, reply Alayhim wa Alaykumus salaam. This is best. If someone replies: Wa Alaykumus salaam, it will also suffice.



5. One person of the group making salaam will be representative of the whole group. His salaam will be adequate on behalf of the group. Similarly, if from the gathering one person replied, it will suffice on behalf of the whole gathering.



6. The one who initiates the salaam obtains greater thawaab (reward).



7. When replying to the salaam of a person, the salaam should be made verbally, not by a sign of the hand or a nod of the head.



8. Better repayment for a favour will be when the repayment is somewhat more than the act of favour rendered. Thus, the reply should be more than the salaam. If Assalaamu Alaykum was said, the better reply will be Wa Alaykumus salaam wa rahmatullaah. If wa barakaa tuhu is also added it will be an added merit.



9. It is waajib (incumbent) to reply to the salaam which is written in a letter. This reply may be in writing or verbally.



10. The Fuqahaa (jurists) have said that in reply to the salaam which is written in a letter, one may say Alaykumus salaam or even Assalaamu Alaykum.



11. In a letter in which a du'aa is written, the salaam should be written first since this is the Sunnah method.



12. Instead of writing or saying the salaam, to say any other term or to adopt the greeting of any other community is Bid'ah (innovation). Such an alien greeting is in fact alteration of the Sharee'ah.



13. A person who is engrossed in a conversation or in some work should not be greeted. The new-comer should not intrude with his hand-shaking. Such an act is uncultured and causes distress to others.



14. It is Makrooh to greet a person involved in Deeni or natural activity. Thus, to make salaam to a person eating is Makrooh while it is not Makrooh to engage in conversation while eating.



15. It is permissible to bow and make salaam.



16. Before entering a house or any place of privacy it is necessary to seek permission. Do not enter without permission.



17. Stand outside and proclaim the salaam , then ask permission in any language. Use such terms which convey the full meaning. However, as far as the salaam itself is concerned only the terms of the Sharee'ah should be used.



18. When answering the call of nature neither reply to anyone's salaam nor offer salaam.



19. On promising to convey a person's salaam , it becomes waajib to do so, otherwise not.



20. When making salaam to elders adopt a low voice. Do not express yourself such terms which convey arrogance or disrespect.

The Aadaab of Musafahah (Shaking Hands)

1. Do not shake hands (make musaafahah) with a person when his hands are involved in such an act or activity which necessitates his emptying his hands. On such occasions salaam is adequate. Similarly, when someone (e.g. the leader in a gathering or the Ustaaz or the shaykh) is engaged in something (e.g. giving a talk), then do not remain standing in expectation of obtaining consent for sitting. Merely be seated.


2. If someone is hurrying along the road, do not stop him for hand-shaking. Such a person should not be stopped and engaged in conversation. You may be holding him up from something important.


3. When arriving in a gathering do not make musaafahah with everyone present. Make Musafahah with only the person whom you intend to see.


4. Some people are under the impression that mere handshaking is sufficient for restoring the peace between two antagonist or persons who have quarrelled. While the malice remains in the hearts musaafahah is of no benefit. Firstly clear the air by solving the dispute. Thereafter make musaafahah.


5. Musaafahah should be made on arrival and on departure.


6. When making musaafahah, the hands should not contain anything. Some people holding money in their hands make musaafahah. In this way they present a gift. This is improper. Musaafahah is a Sunnah act which is an ibaadah. It should not be corrupted with a worldly deed.


7. Do not wait in expectation of musaafahah. Do not wish that people come forward to shake your hands.


8. The Sunnah method of musaafahah is only to shake hands. In some places there is the custom of kissing the hands after making musaafahah. This practice should be discontinued.


9. On the occasion of Hijrah (migration from Makkah to Madinah) Hadhrat Abu Bakr Siddique radhiyallahu anhu accompanied Rasoolullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam. On their arrival at Madinah Tayyibah the Ansaar (Helpers or the Sahaabah of Madinah who assisted the Sahaabah of Makkah Mukarramah) came out in crowds to welcome Nabi sallallahu alayhi wasallam as yet, hence on account of Hadhrat Abu Bakr's radhiyallahu anhu advanced age they mistook him for the Rasool. Under this impression they began making musaafahah with him. It is very significant that Hadhrat Abu Bakr radhiyallahu anhu did not decline when the people mistakenly shook hands with him. This act of his indicative of the perfection of his intelligence. He continued making musaafahah with all of them. Since Rasoolullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam was very tired on account of the arduous journey, Hadhrat Abu Bakr radhiyallahu anhu did not wish to impose the inconvenience of crowds making Musafahah on Nabi-e-Kareem sallallahu alayhi wasallam. By substituting himself Hadhrat Abu Bakr radhiyallahu anhu saved Rasoolullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam considerable inconvenience. If someone adopts this method today in the presence of his shaykh, he will be regarded as a highly disrespected person and will be severely criticized and reprimanded.


10. Nowadays external etiquettes of respect are regarded to be service. True service is to ensure the comfort of the one whose service is intended even if one has to undergo inconvenience and difficulty in the process. This is the meaning of Muhabbat (love). The Sahaabah practically demonstrated this.


11. When making musaafahah, take into consideration the pleasure and the comfort of the one with whom you intend to make musaafahah. Refrain from adopting a method which will displease and inconvenience him.


12. Making Musafahah after Salaat (as is the practice in some places) is Bid’ah.


13. Do not make Musafahah after Salaat with one who is engrossed in some work. Just as there are rules for salaam so are there rules for Musafahah. According to the Hadeeth Musafahah is the completion of salaam. In some places while making Musafahah the thumbs are pressed. It is claimed that in the thumbs are the veins of love. This is baseless and the narration is a fabrication.

Aadaab Of A Majlis (Gathering)

1. When you have to wait for someone in a gathering, do not sit in such a place or in such a way as to convey that you are waiting. This action will create unnecessary anxiety for the one whom you are waiting for. Sit down quietly at a distance from the person in an inconspicuous way. (An emergency or urgency will obviously be excluded from this rule).
   
2. When going to meet a person then on arrival notify him in some way of your presence. Such notification may be by salaam, speech or by sitting down (in a gathering) where you may be observed. (This rule does not apply to a public gathering, e.g. a public lecture in a Masjid or other public venue.) Without having informed the person concerned of your arrival do not sit down in such a place which conceals your presence. It is quite possible that he may engage in some conversation which is not meant for your ears. In this way the private affairs of another person may be unwittingly overheard. It is not permissible to overhear the secrets and private affairs of others without their consent. On such occasions if it transpires that someone is engaging in a private conversation without having knowledge of your presence, then immediately leave the place. If this happens while the speaker is under the impression that you are asleep, then immediately reveal that you are not asleep. If the matter being discussed pertains to the infliction of harm or loss to you or to any Muslim, then it will be permissible to overhear such schemes and plots to enable you to protect yourself.
   
3. When sitting in the company of a person do not sit in such close proximity as to cause inconvenience to him nor sit so far away that it becomes difficult to conduct the conversation with ease.
   
4. Don't sit staring at a person who is involved in some work. This distracts his attention and disturbs his peace.


5. It is disrespectful to unnecessarily sit directly behind someone in close proximity. The person in front is disturbed thereby.


6. When someone is sitting and engaged in some work do not stand in his presence waiting for him to attend to you. Sit down and address him as soon as he is relieved of the work.


7. When going to meet a person do not sit with him so long as to inconvenience him or to cause an impediment in his work.


8. Where people are gathered do not spit or clean your nose in their presence unnecessarily. For such acts leave their presence.


9. When leaving a gathering which was organised to discuss certain issues, do not leave without the consent of the leader of the assembly.


10. It is not permissible to remain in a gathering where any law of the Sharee’ah is being violated. Participating in such a gathering is not lawful.


11. Hadhrat Jaabir radhiyallahu anhu narrates that Rasoolullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam said that gatherings are held in trust. It is therefore not permissible to publicise the discussion of the gathering. However, according to the Hadeeth if the gathering is a conspiracy to destroy the life, property or reputation of a Muslim, then it will not be permissible to conceal such a plot. If by publicising the private discussion of the gathering some harm will be caused to a person then such an act will be sinful. If the harm concerns the general public then to a greater extent will it be sinful to advertise or reveal the talks of the private gathering.


12. While the talk in a gathering is in progress, the newcomer who enters should not make salaam or musaafahah. So doing is an interference which disturbs the speaker and distracts the attention of the audience.


13. When arriving at a gathering early, sit in front. Late comers should sit at the back wherever they are able to find place. They should not attempt to force their way to the front. Some people arriving late on Fridays at the Masjid, penetrate the rows ahead of them in their attempts to obtain sitting place in front. Such inconsiderable action has been severely criticised in the Hadeeth. Rasoolullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam said that such a person will be transformed into a bridge of Jahannam to be trampled on by people. The practice of cutting through the Musallees in order to reach the front rows in the Masjid contains four severe evils: Causing hurt to a Muslim, pride, despising a Muslim and show. Each one of these is a grave crime from which one should abstain.


14. Without a valid reason do not lean against the wall when in a gathering listening to a discourse. This is highly disrespectful.


15. If there is ample sitting place available, do not sit with your back towards anyone.

Aadaab Of Speech

1. Some people do not speak clearly. They speak ambiguously and with formality. They consider the use of indications to be respectful. The listener sometimes does not get the message clearly and sometimes he understands wrongly. This causes much inconvenience. Therefore, speak up and speak clearly, without ambiguity.



2. Speak from in front of a person, not from behind. Speaking from behind a person is perplexing.



3. When renewing a request to a person, then mention it fully inspite of it having been stated before. Do not express yourself incompletely or ambiguously relying on an earlier explanation. It is possible that the earlier explanation has been partly forgotten, hence the listener may misunderstand the request if it is renewed without clarity.



4. Some people sitting at the back in a gathering clear their throats or cough in order to attract attention to themselves. If there is a real need to say something, go to the front and explain. However, this should not be done unnecessarily. It is improper to disturb a person involved in some work. Wait for the person to complete his task then address him.



5. Until such time that one topic has not been completed do not introduce another. While someone is speaking do not interrupt with another subject.



6. On making an enquiry reply in full, without ambiguity, when you are questioned. Do not reply with confusing statements which necessitate repeated questioning.



7. While eating, do not mention such things which nauseates or disgusts others. The disposition of some persons is delicate and cannot tolerate to hear the mention of disgusting things while eating.



8. In the presence of a sick person or his housefolk do not make such statements which causes them grief and to lose hope in life. Make encouraging statements to alleviate the pain and sorrow, Inshaa'Allah.



9. If you have to speak privately about a person who happens to be present, do not indicate this to another by means of the sign of the hand or eye. Do not let him realise that you are at all discussing him. This will apply if the discussion regarding him is permissible. If the discussion is not lawful, then discussing him will be sinful.



10. On hearing news of someone's illness, death, etc., do not publicise it until you have confirmed the truth of the news.



11. Rasoolullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam said: "Do not speak much besides Zikrullaah. Verily, abundant speech hardens the heart and the one with a hard heart is furthest from Allah." This applies to futile speech even though the talk may be lawful.



12. Imaam Maalik rahmatullahi alayhi narrates that Hadhrat Eesaa alayhis salaam said: "Do not speak in abundance for your heart will be hardened." In other words, fear and humility will be eliminated from the heart. Experience confirms this fact.



13. Hadhrat Ali radhiyallahu anhu said that one should speak to people what they are unable to understand. Do not discuss with them things which are beyond their intellectual capacities. Hadhrat Ali radhiyallahu anhu added: "Do you wish them to refute Allah and His Rasool?" Some people will not hesitate to reject such Deeni narrations which they are unable to comprehend. Hadhrat Ibne Mas'ood radhiyallahu anhu said: "When you mention to people such things which are beyond their intellectual capacities, then such talks will most certainly become a cause for the corruption of some people."



14. Do not unnecessarily adopt the speech styles and slang of those who are ignorant of the Deen.



15. Be moderate in speech. Do not expand the discussion so much that people become tired and perplexed nor abbreviate the talk to such an extent that the aim and object of the discussion are not understood.



16. A female should exercise care when speaking. She should not allow her voice to be heard by men unnecessarily. In like manner a man should not express himself sentimentally in the presence of females. It is obligatory that a man should abstain from reciting poetry and expressing himself melodiously in front of females (i.e. such females for whom the Shar'ee law of Hijaab applies).



17. Do not mumble when speaking. Speak with clarity.



18. Be to the point. Do not beat about the bush when speaking.



19. Think before speaking. Sometimes a wrong statement uttered without thinking leads to Jahannam. One will obtain salvation from this calamity by inculcating the habit of thinking before speaking.



20. Do not insult anyone. Do not say to anyone: 'Faasiq, kaafir, Mal'oon (cursed), the enemy of Allah.



21. Do not be two-tongued, expressing views in the presence of a person calculated to please him, but when in the company of one holding another view, then speaking to please him.



22. Never engage in gossip, slander and scandalising. However, it will be permissible to speak contrary to fact and reality in order to restore peace and good relationship between antagonists or enemies.



23. Do not flatter anyone.



24. Do not become embroiled with anyone in obstinate debate and argument. When you realise that the person is not prepared to accept the truth, maintain silence. Do not become intransigent and bigoted. Bigotry is exceptionally evil.



25. Abstain from statements in which there is neither Deeni benefit nor worldly benefit.



26. Do not curse or speak ill of time (the age). Time is blameless. By implication, the criticism is directed to Allah . We seek refuge in Allah.



27. Do not praise those who are not upholders of the Deen. (Abstention from praising them should not be construed to mean permissibility to hold them in contempt. It is not permissible to despise them nor to adopt a holier than thou attitude.)



28. It is haraam to speak ill (Gheebat) of even children, insane persons and non-Muslims.



29. To deliberately listen to Gheebat being spoken is as if one has made Gheebat.



30. Juniors should not call their seniors by their names. They should adopt a name or title of respect and honour.



31. When meeting someone casually, e.g. along the road or by chance, do not engage in a topic which you will not be able to complete in the short while you are with him. If by the time of separating, the topic has not been concluded, you will either waste your time to complete the story or you will depart with the story unfinished. This leaves the listener in suspense and doubt.



32. If a person mistakes you for another, then immediately rectify him and state your identity.



33. In the presence of others do not use such terms which are considered uncultural. Express yourself in a cultured way, e.g. say 'the call of nature', etc.



34. Where the company consist of three persons, two should not speak by whispering to each other, nor should they ask the third one to leave, nor should they speak in a language which the third person does not understand. This causes distress to him.

The Aadaab Of Listening To Talk

1. Listen attentively. If any part of the talk is not clear or a doubt lingers, seek its clarification from the speaker immediately. Don't act on what has been said on the basis of your opinion.



2. When someone calls you, reply immediately so that the caller knows that you have heard him.



3. When someone speaks to you, do not listen with indifference. This attitude will hurt his feelings. This applies to a greater extent when someone speaks for your benefit or answers your question.



4. When someone assigns a task to you, express your intention verbally. Say yes or no, etc. Perhaps you have no intention of doing the work and by your silence the speaker gains the impression that you have agreed to undertake the task.



5. When someone speaks ill of your Ustaaz (teacher), then remain silent. If it becomes unbearable, then leave the place.



6. When your Ustaaz speaks, apply your whole attention to him.



7. After having attentively listened to your Ustaaz's discourse, if you do not understand anything, do not attribute it to your Ustaaz. On the contrary, regard your inability as a result of your defective understanding and inattentiveness.



8. It is not permissible to listen to music and singing. The heart is corrupted thereby. Evil dominates the Nafs (base desires). Music gives impetus to the evil qualities of the Nafs. The inclination to commit wrong is thus stirred in man. Whatever leads to haraam is likewise haraam.



9. Avoid listening to the voices of females and young boys. A woman should exercise caution in this regard. She should ensure that her voice does not reach the ears of non-Mahram males (males for whom Hijaab is compulsory).



10. Do not get up and leave while someone is addressing you. This will hurt the feelings of the speaker, and will exhibit your unappreciativeness of the talk. This applies to lawful talk. If the talk is unlawful, then it will not be permissible to listen to it.



11. When listening to a lecture, do not engage in any other conversation. Pay attention to the discourse. It is disrespectful to engage in a conversation at such time and it displays lack of appreciation of the discourse.



12. When someone calls you from behind the partition, etc., reply immediately to put the caller at ease. Do not remain silent, for then the caller will persist in calling.



13. When someone assigns a duty to you, listen to it well and after having executed it, notify him of its accomplishment. This will avoid suspense and anticipation.



14. If you have not understood, say so. Do not pretend that you have understood. Do not say, 'yes, yes'.



15. On announcing yourself, e.g. by having made salaam, if the inmates of the house have not recognized you and they ask, 'Who is it?', do not say: 'It's me.' State your name.



16. It is highly disrespectful to remain silent after having heard the question. Similarly, it is disrespectful and cause for much annoyance to reply after some delay.

Aadaab Of Mulaqaat (Meeting One Another)

1. When you go to meet a person do not disturb him by intruding while he is busy. If for example, he is engaged in Tilaawat, Wazeefah or he is in privacy or sleeping or preparing to sleep or involved in something else in which he will be disturbed if you intrude or he may be inconvenienced by your intrusion, then at such a time do not greet or shake hands. Either go away and return later or wait elsewhere (where his attention will not be attracted). If the matter is urgent and requires immediate attention, seek his permission first.



2. When having arrived at the venue of the person whom you wish to meet, inform him of your presence either by salaam, speech, etc. Do not sit in a concealed place or in such a way that he has not learnt of your presence. Perhaps he wishes to say something which is not intended for your ears. It is evil to listen in to another person's secrets without his consent. If you realize that the discussion in progress is not for your ears, immediately take leave.



3. When meeting someone with whom you have no informal association, do not ask him about the condition of his home affairs. Similarly, do not ask him about his source of earnings, possessions, etc.



4. On meeting a person do not linger too long so as to cause him inconvenience or to constitute an impediment in his activity.



5. When meeting someone, do so pleasantly and smilingly so as to please him.



6. When meeting someone for the first time, remember the following things:



1. Introduce yourself State your name.



2. State your hometown or the country or city from where you are coming.



3. State the purpose of your visit.




7. When meeting a person, do not pick up any letter, paper or book from nearby to read.



8. When someone comes to meet you (and if you are sitting) get up or move slightly. In this is respect for the visitor.

The Aadaab Of The Guest

1. The guest should immediately notify the host if he has no intention of eating there for some reason or the other. It should not happen that the host prepares food and then all goes to waste. This will cause much grief to the host who underwent inconvenience and laboured to make hospitable arrangements for the guest.



2. The guest should inform the host of his whereabouts so that the latter (host) does not have to search for him when meals are ready to be served.



3. The guest should not accept anyone's invitation without the consent of the host.



4. The guest should not interfere in the arrangements and system of the host. However, there is nothing wrong if the host assigns an arrangement or an act to the guest.



5. The guest should never adopt a demanding attitude or tone. He should tender his wishes with humble request.



6. If the guest is on diet, he should inform his host immediately on arrival. Some persons exhibit ill-manners in this regard at the exact time of eating when the food has been served.



7. The guest should not ask the host for something, for perhaps the host is unable to fulfil the request and is thus put to shame. (Necessities are excluded.)



8. The guest should leave a little food over so that the host does not think that maybe the food was not enough and the guest has not eaten sufficiently. This will put the host to shame. (This does not mean that the guest should leave some of the food in his plate uneaten. He should clean the plate with his fingers. This is Sunnah . Some food should, however, be left in the serving utensils.)



9. Do not accompany an invited person to his host's residence. The host, merely out of shame may be constrained to ask you to remain for meals while in actual fact he has no intention of doing so. This causes difficulty to the host. Some persons very quickly accept such instant invitations which are made by coincidence. The host may feel belittled if he does not ask you to remain for meals.



10. Do not inconvenience the host nor put him to shame by making a request at the time of departure. The time for fulfilling your request may be too less and the host will suffer shame by not being able to satisfy the guest.



11. If several varieties of food are served, the guest should taste a bit of every variety. This is a right which the host has over the guest. However, if the guest is ill or on a prescribed medical diet, then this will be an exception.



12. Do not initiate an intricate topic while eating. The talk should be light, otherwise the pleasure of the food will be destroyed. While eating, the greater part of one's attention should be directed to the food.



13. It is not permissible for a guest to give any food to a beggar or anyone else (i.e. from the food which the host has served). Similarly, if some food is presented in a utensil, it is not permissible to eat from the utensil. Remove the food into own utensil. However, if the form of the food will be destroyed by emptying it in another utensil, then it will be permissible to eat from the utensil in which it was sent, e.g. pudding.



14. When going to a place for some work, etc, and while there you go to meet an acquaintance, then immediately inform him of your staying arrangements so that he does not gain the impression that you are his guest.



15. The Ulamaa should be extremely careful when going to eat at the place of their host. They should not impose on the hospitality of the host by taking along with them a group of friends / students / Mureeds.

The Aadaab Of The Host

1. The host should not insist that the guest eats. This is contrary to the well-being of the guest.



2. If there is need to serve more food, do not remove the utensil (in which there is still some food) from the presence of the host. Bring more food in another utensil.



3. If the intention is to invite some of the associates of one's Buzrug (Shaykh, Ustaaz , etc.) along with the Buzrug, then do not ask the Buzrug to bring them along. It is disrespectful to extract service from him. Take permission from him and do the inviting yourself. The associate should also seek permission from the Buzrug before accepting the invitation.



4. Be hospitable to the guest and tend to his needs and comfort. Feed him a sumptuous meal (within one's means) at least on one occasion. The guest has a right of three days.



5. When sending food to the guest, ensure that it is covered.



6. When the guest is departing, see him off until the door. This is Sunnah.



7. The host should not overwhelm the guest with his continuous presence. He should leave the guest free. The guest should be left to eat as he pleases.



8. People sometimes stare at the guest while he is eating, taking note of what and how much he is eating. The guest is irked by this behaviour.



9. When the guest arrives, show him the toilets so that he is not inconvenienced if he suddenly has to answer the call of nature.



10. As soon as the guest arrives, make arrangements for his eating. Whatever is easily available and could be prepared quickly should be arranged. If by the means, more sumptuous meals may be arranged later.



11. Do not go out of your way in acquiring things for the guest. Whatever good things are easily available, make do with them. Do not be unnecessarily formal.



12. The host should not merely deliver the food to the guest and leave thereafter. He should remain to see to the further needs of the guest. While keeping a watchful eye on the guest, the host should not stare at the guest nor make him aware of his attention. He should merely cast an occasional glance to ascertain whether the guest requires anything more.



13. When there are two guests, treat them with equality.

The Aadaab Of Khidmat (Service To Others)

1. Some persons do not prefer accepting service from others. The one who wishes to render service to such persons should not insist on doing so. The one who is served is perplexed and inconvenienced by such service. The attitude of a person can be understood either by his explicit refusal or by some other indication.



2. Upon accomplishing a duty which someone has requested of you, inform him after it has been done. In most cases, he will be waiting in expectation.



3. Rendering physical service to one's shaykh on the first occasion of meeting him is very irksome to him. Should one be eager to render service to the shaykh , one should first establish an informal and friendly relationship.



4. While there is comfort in Khidmat, there are three conditions to it (Khidmat):





1. Sincerity: The motive of rendering the service must be nothing other than Muhabbat (affection). Most people utilize Khidmat as a medium for the attainment of motives.


2. Congeniality: The hearts of the Khaadim (the one who renders the service) and the Makhdoom (the one who is being served) should be at one. There should be congeniality (Munaasabat) between them. They should not be strangers.


3. Ability: The Khaadim should know how to render the service he is to undertake.





5. Service rendered to Muslims in Makkah Mu'azzamah should be regarded as a worship and good fortune, provided there is no Shar'ee prohibition involved in rendering the service.



6. Respect and honour people according to their rank.



7. As far as possible aid a person in need. If you are unable to assist, intercede on his behalf so that someone else may render the assistance. However, when interceding establish whether your intercession will not inconvenience the person.



8. By assisting orphans one will be blessed with the companionship of Rasoolullaah sallallahu alayhi wasallam in Jannah .



9. Those who earn and see to the needs of widows and needy relatives, obtain the thawaab (reward) of jihaad.



10. Aiding the Mazloom (one against whom injustice or oppression is committed) is very necessary. Sympathy for the Zaalim (oppressor) is to prevent him from committing injustices.



11. The service of giving people water to drink is an act of great thawaab. Rendering this act in a place where water is available in abundance is the equivalent of emancipating a slave. Where water is less, the thawaab of rendering this act is the equivalent of resurrecting to life a dead person.



12. By assisting someone with insignificant items, e.g. some salt for the food, the thawaab is as if one has prepared the food.



13. Serve your parents even though they happen to be non-Muslims. Obey parents in all things lawful in the Sharee'ah. (In the process of serving and obeying non-Muslim parents, the laws of the Sharee'ah should not be violated. If for example, one's non-Muslim father dies and one's mother wishes one to participate in the funeral service, such obedience and service will not be permissible. In short, service and obedience to parents should be within the confines of Islaam).



14. Meeting with and rendering service to the friends of one's parents after their death are also acts which are regarded in Islaam as service to parents.



15. If one's parents had died while they were displeased with one, then one should always make du'aa and Istighfaar for them. It is hoped that Allah will ensure that they become happy with their children. (Thus the relationship will be restored on the Day of Qiyaamah ). Be kind and render service to relatives even though they may be unkind to you.



16. Service to neighbours occupies a very important place in Islaam. Be kind to them. Tolerate their indiscreetness and disturbances. Do not do anything which will upset them or annoy them. If they are in need, tend to them as best as you can.

The Aadaab of Hadyah (Gift)

1. If you wish to make a request to a person then do not make any gift to him. The one to whom the gift is made under such circumstances is either put to disgrace or is indirectly compelled to comply with the request of the person who presented the gift. (Such a gift will in fact be a bribe.)


2. When taking a gift along the journey to present to someone, do not take so much as to create difficulty for you along the journey.


3. Immediately after accepting a gift it is not proper to give it (the gift) in charity in the presence of the person who gave the gift. Contribute it in the absence of the person in a way which will not be known to him, otherwise he will be grieved.


4. The motive for making gifts should be only Muhabbat (love and affection), not the fulfilment of one's needs or request. Therefore, if you have a need to present to a person, do not make a gift to him at the same time. It will then appear as if the gift was motivated by the ulterior motive.


5. The actual purpose of making a gift is to strengthen the bond of affection. Therefore, such ways which inconvenience the one for whom the gift is intended, should not be adopted.


6. Make the gift in privacy, not in public. The Muhdaa ilayh (the person to whom the gift was made) is entitled to make public the gift.


7. If the gift is in kind (i.e. not cash) then edeavour to ascertain the likes and preferences of the Muhdaa ilayh. Present something which the Muhdaa ilayh prefers.


8. The amount of the gift should not be so much that it constitutes a difficulty for the Muhdaa ilayh. It does not matter how less or of little value the gift may be. People of piety are not concerned with the amount or quantity of the gift. They look at the sincerity of the one who makes the gift.


9. If for some reason acceptance of the gift is refused, then respectfully request the reason for the refusal. For the future bear it in mind. But do not insist to obtain the reason at the time. If the gift is refused because of misunderstanding created by a baseless supposition or misinformation which reached the Muhdaa ilayh, then it is correct, in fact better, to immediately notify him of the error.


10. Do not make a gift to anyone as long as he is not convinced of your sincerity.


11. Do not make gifts in such a way that taking delivery of it becomes difficult and onerous on the Muhdaa ilayh (the one to whom the gift is made).


12. A gift tendered with the motive to obtain some benefit in lieu is, in fact, bribery. It is not Hadyah.


13. If the motive underlying the gift is to obtain thawaab in the hereafter, then too, it is not Hadyah, but will be Sadaqah (charity).


14. Some people labour under the impression that when going to visit a saint it is necessary to present a gift to him. This is incorrect. To make it a rule to present him with a gift whenever one visits him is harmful to all parties concerned.


15. Accept gifts from such persons who do not expect anything in return, otherwise it will lead to ill-feeling ultimately. However, the one who has accepted the gift should endeavour to reciprocate. If you are not by the means to give anything in return, at least praise the person and express your gratitude. Mention his favour in the presence of others. Expressing gratitude by saying "May Allah reward your goodness," will suffice. One who does not express gratitude to a person who did a favour, does not express gratitude to even Allah .


16. It is improper to obliterate (i.e. to forget about) a gift which one has received, for this displays lack of appreciation. Similarly, it is improper to advertise with pride the great value or abundance of the gifts received.


17. It is not permissible to accept gifts from mentally deranged persons.


18. It is not permissible to accept gifts from naa-baaligh (minor) children.


19. A gift should not be refused because of its slight value or small quantity.


20. A gift should not be refused on account of pride or arrogance.


21. If one detects that a gift is not presented because of sincerity, but is motivated by some ulterior motive, then such a gift should be refused.


22. It is permissible to refuse a gift if one detects that the gift is made on account of one's need or poverty.


23. A Qaari who has recited the Qur'aan should not be given a present (Hadyah) because of his recital. If a gift is made to him, he should refuse acceptance.


24. Hadyah (gift) should not be presented while making musaafahah (shaking hands)


25. When sending Hadyah with someone, ensure that the person whom you are sending is reliable so that there may be no need to obtain a receipt or acknowledgement letter from the Muhdaa ilayh (the one to whom the gift is made). Requesting acknowledgement from the Muhdaa ilayh is an irksome imposition on him and is uncultural.


26. When the gift is made, the price of the item should not be asked of the one who makes the gift. Similarly, others who happen to be present when the gift is made should not also query about the price or value of the article in the presence of the Muhdee (the one who makes the gift).

The Aadaab of Intercession (Sifaarish)

1. The way adopted to intercede (on behalf of another) should not in any way curtail the liberty of the one with whom you are interceding. Nowadays, intercession is in fact compulsion. Indirect pressure is applied. A man will take advantage of his prominence or rank to compel another to submit to his request. This is not intercession. Such intercession is not permissible.


2. If someone extracts service, etc. from another on the strength of his relationship with a man of prominence or rank and it becomes discernable that the service or aid is not offered freely and wholeheartedly, but has been forthcoming solely on account of the relationship which the taker of the service en joys with so rue prominent person, then acceptance of such aid or service is unlawful. As a result of the relationship, the one who supplies the aid entertains the notion that if he does not provide the requested assistance, the man of prominence will be displeased. Thus to make a request to someone to fulfil a need or supply some aid on this basis is Haraam (unlawful).


3. In any matter, intercession should not be made without having made investigation.


4. It will be permissible to intercede on behalf of another if the work or deed happens to be a Waajib (compulsory) act.


5. It is not permissible to impose any kind of pressure, direct or indirect, on the person to whom the intercession is directed.


6. In actual fact, intercession (Sifaarish) is a branch of Mashwarah (advice) which cannot be imposed on anyone.


7. If a person rejects the intercession, he will be acting fully within his rights. It is improper to take offence if one's intercession is not accepted.


8. If by indications one realises that the intercession cannot be rejected, e.g. the person is under some obligation, hence he has no alternative other than complying, then such intercession is not permissible.

The Aadaab of Training Children

1. Playfully do not do any act with a child which may be a danger to life or limb, e.g. in playfulness do not fling a child in the air; do not playfully hold his hand and suspend it from a window, etc.



2. Do not playfully chase a child, for perhaps he may slip and hurt himself.



3. Do not speak shameful things in the presence of children.



4. While the thawaab is considerable for training children in general, caring for and training girls are acts of greater merit and more thawaab.



5. When training children, neither be too strict (harsh) nor too lax.



6. Children should be taught not to eat things people give them. They should bring such things home and eat them in the presence of their parents if they consent.



7. Teach them to wash their hands before eating and to eat or drink with their right hands.



8. Inculcate in them the habit of eating less so that they are saved from sickness and greed.



9. Inculcate in children the habit of cleaning their teeth, especially with a Miswaak.



10. Teach them to refrain from asking any of their needs from anyone other than their seniors (parents, grand-parents etc.).



11. Teach them never to accept gifts from anyone without the consent of their elders.



12. Do not assume that they will automatically acquire manners and etiquettes when they have grown up. Inculcate good character in them from a tender age. No one learns on his own accord. By reading they will gain the knowledge of good culture, but still they will lack the essential training which was denied to them in childhood. Lack of training will result in the grown up children always behaving unculturally. Furthermore, they will, without thinking, cause difficulties and inconvenience to others.



13. Teach children to act with shame, especially when answering the call of nature. They should not reveal themselves to others.



14. When your child has wronged someone or is at fault, never act partially. Do not side with your child, especially in his presence. To do so is to corrupt his character.



15. Be watchful of your children's behaviour towards servants and the children of servants. Ensure that they do not trouble the servants or their children. On account of their inferior social rank, they may not complain, but in their hearts they will curse. Even if they do not curse, the misfortune of sin and injustice will be tasted.



16. As far as possible, endeavour that they learn under suitably qualified teachers.



17. Do not punish them while in anger. Either remove them from your presence when you are angry or go away. Later, when the anger has subsided, reflect thrice and then only mete out appropriate punishment.



18. When the need arises to punish, do not use a heavy stick nor fists. Do not kick the child nor slap it in the face. Also do not hit him on the head.



19. Teach children the full names of their parents and grandparents as well as their addresses. Now and then ask them about this so that they remember. The benefit of this is that, Allah forbid, should they get lost, they will be able to state their identity to the one who finds them. In this way they will be returned home.



20. Children who are studying should be given such nutrition which is good for the brain.



21. When the need arises for girls to leave the home precincts, do not adorn them with jewellery.



22. Emphasise to girls that they should not play with boys. The character of both boys and girls will be corrupted by such intermingling.



23. If a boy from another house comes to your home, instruct the girls to go out of sight even though the boy may be small.



24. If any children come to you for education, do not take service from them. Treat them like your own children.



25. Teach children not to face the Qiblah in the toilet nor to turn their back towards the Qiblah in the toilet. Teach them the rules of Tahaarat (purification) of cleaning themselves in the toilet.



26. Do not take children along to invitations. Many people do so. Their habits are corrupted by doing so.



27. When a child is obstinate in demanding a thing, do not fulfil his demand.

The Aadaab of Correspondence